"Receive My Mercy and Forgiveness Now!"

We had post this story in pro-life discussion last year . We think it should be here to.



Post with permission from Barbara Kleaveland and http://www.spiritofmedjugorje.org/oct2009.htm

By: Barbara Kleaveland

It was May of 1986. I was a single mother of a young son, and engaged to be married in August. My gynecologist told me that I was probably not pregnant, but as a precaution, he had a procedure that would take care of the problem. He assured me it was not an abortion and that it was too early to tell if I was pregnant. My fiancé informed me that there would be no wedding if I did not have this procedure. He reminded me that I had already conceived a child out of wedlock. What would people think, if it happened again? I was sitting on the examining table when the doctor walked in. “I have some bad news,” he said. “You were pregnant, and my staff have all quit. They told me if I performed one more abortion they would leave.” I left his office feeling shame and remorse. This abortion became my deep, dark secret. The marriage took place, and we soon had a baby boy, but it all ended a few years later. Relationships usually fall apart after abortion takes place. In the years to follow, I had two more abortions.

Coming home from the third abortion, I felt a presence in the car. I knew at once that it was my child, and she was a girl. I begged her to forgive me. With tears pouring down my face, I realized that abortion was murder. I was never the same again.

A few months later, I started having panic attacks. I had several while driving my car home from work, and soon I became paralyzed with fear. I never went anywhere, unless someone could drive me. For seven years I did not drive my car into town. My past played over and over in my mind. I was sure that I could never be forgiven for what I had done. My oldest brother called me one day and said, “I don’t know what is wrong with you, but I want to tell you that the Blessed Mother is appearing to six children in Medjugorje, Yugoslavia. She is asking us to put God first in our lives and to pray for peace. Barb, you need peace more than anyone I know.” When I was growing up, I had a deep love for Our Lady, and the excitement of Her apparitions sparked a new faith in me. A few days later, I received a rosary and a scriptural rosary book as a birthday gift from him. I started praying the Rosary, and Our Lady went to work.

The anxiety was getting worse, so I went to see a psychologist, and he happened to be Catholic. For the first time, I was able to tell someone about my abortions. He insisted that I go to the sacrament of Confession. This scared me to no end, but I was given a special grace to go. I will never forget the relief I felt when I was able to unburden myself of my sins. The priest, standing in for Jesus, made me feel loved and accepted. When I walked out of the confessional, I was totally forgiven of all my sins, but it would take time for me to forgive myself. That was OK, because the spiritual doors of my soul were now open for grace to come flooding in.

During my years of anxiety, I tried to relax by doing yoga and meditation. This led me to a new age book written by a well- known actress. Since I had gone to Confession, I started to feel uneasy about this book, and so I asked the Lord to show me if it was evil. The next day, at a family reunion, my sister-in-law, out of the clear blue, mentioned this book by name, and said it was evil. She then said, “We are so blessed to be Catholic. We have the Sacraments and that is all we need.”

My cousins from Pittsburgh were there, and they had just come back from Medjugorje. Once again I was stirred spiritually by their stories. They had also been to a retreat in Malvern, PA, and had copies of the talks on tape, which were given to me. I started the first tape, and heard a woman say, “I want to show you how to fall madly in love with the Lord Jesus Christ, through the Sacraments of the Catholic Church.” The third tape was on the Holy Eucharist. The woman told about her Protestant friend who was a cripple. She did not believe that Jesus was truly present - Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity, in the Host. If she did, she would fall on her hands and knees to receive Him. At that moment, my entire body was burning up. I knew in my head that the Eucharist was Jesus, but now I knew it in my heart. I decided that I had to receive Him often, and I would be healed. To do this, I would have to overcome a phobia of driving.

One day, I decided that if I professed to love Jesus, I had to trust. I sprinkled holy water over my car, grabbed Our Lady’s weapon, the rosary, and asked the Holy Family to come with me. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. When I knelt down before Mass, I looked up at a life-size crucifix over the altar and said, “Jesus, I am here, but I’m never going to make it home.” I then heard these words, “If you come, I will always get you home.” I went from going to Mass periodically to becoming a daily communicant.

My brother counsels post-abortive women for Project Rachel. He explained to our family the steps he uses to heal post-abortive women, and I was all ears. “First,” he said, “she has to remember her abortion. It is very painful and sometimes blocked from her memory. I then ask her to imagine Jesus coming with her baby. Jesus hands her the child, and I ask her if it is a boy or a girl. She seems to know instinctively. She then names her baby, asks her child to forgive her, and symbolically baptizes the baby. Finally, Jesus takes the baby back to Heaven.”

I decided that I was going to try this on my own. Through many tears, I was able to name my children: William, Mary, and Jeanne. My children really took on an identity after this, and I decided to write a song for them. It had to remain a secret though, just like they were. I could not afford to let anyone find out about my abortions, for fear of what they would think of me.

A church in town put on a Life in the Spirit Seminar, and I attended. The last night I noticed people being prayed over. This kind of scared me, but a friend insisted I go up. A woman surrounded by five people laid hands on me. After a few seconds I was resting in the spirit. All of a sudden she pulled me up and said, “What is wrong with you?” Not wanting to bring up the abortions, I said the problem was my husband. When she asked what my husband did to me, I knew I had to confess. I answered in trepidation, “He convinced me to have an abortion.” Well, they all started praying and then I heard these words: “Come on, tell them you had three.” So I blurted out, “I’ve had three abortions.” A man groaned in pain, and then I heard a stern voice say, “Receive My mercy and forgiveness now!” I knew that I was not accepting God’s forgiveness. I then heard it again, “Receive My mercy and forgiveness now.” When I heard it the third time it scared me. I felt as though it was now or never, and I let it all go. Peace flooded into my heart. They say the truth shall set you free, and so it did. That evening, I sang the song that I had written in secret for my children.

The next day, I went early to Mass and felt as though everyone in the church knew that I had three abortions. I looked up at the St. Joseph Statue and asked him to help me. I heard these words in my heart, “Jesus has forgiven you, so what do you care?” That really eased my mind.

After Mass, I decided it was time to tell my parents. As we sat around the table, with all the courage I could muster, I explained to them the reason I had been so filled with anxiety. For seven years, they had driven me wherever I needed to go. Before I could even finish, they jumped up and wrapped their arms around me. They assured me that they would always love me, no matter what I had done. With tears in my eyes, I sang the song written for their grandchildren, William, Mary and Jeanne. On the way home, I decided to tell my two sons. I had to apologize to them, because I put them through a lot over the years. After singing to them, my youngest son said, “Mom, can I say something?” I replied “Yes, what is it?” He then said something that I will never forget, “I’m glad it wasn’t me.” I replied, “I am, too.”

I wanted to tell my oldest brother, since he was so instrumental in helping me, but I just could not find a way to do it. Finally I sent him a letter.

In 1995, I was invited to go to Ireland with three friends. I told them that it was impossible, with my phobia of flying and the lack of funds, but I said I would pray. A few weeks later my mother came into some money quite unexpectedly, and offered to pay my way. I went down to the beach and, while praying the Rosary, I felt joy - something I had not experienced in a long time. All of a sudden, I smelled roses, and I knew that Our Lady was calling me to Ireland.

On the way to the airport I was so fearful; I wondered how I would be able to fly without fainting. All of a sudden, I heard a man’s voice say, “When will you trust me?” I instinctively knew it was Jesus. He then said, “Do you know how happy I would be if you would just trust me?” I wanted to make Jesus happy, and so in my heart I just said, “OK, Jesus, I will trust You.” At that very moment my fear completely vanished. I yelled out, “Alleluia, my fear is gone!” I boarded our airplane without a hitch.
Our first night in Ireland, we went to Maynooth. We visited a priest who told us about the Inter-generational Healing Masses that he was saying. He then said, “If a woman has had an abortion, we say prayers for the baby, too.” I began to cry, because he did not know about my abortions or that I had been praying to have a Mass like this said for me. I am Irish, and what better place to pray for my ancestors than Ireland. Father agreed to offer the Mass for me the day before we were to leave for the States. During the Mass, Father prayed for the release of mental illness in my family. All at once, a gush of wind came from my chest and blew up through my head with such a force it threw me backwards. I couldn’t help but think of the demons Jesus cast from Mary Magdalene. After the Mass I was given some wonderful advice: visit the Blessed Sacrament often, attend daily Mass, go to weekly Confession, and pray the Rosary daily. This would bring about a total healing.

In 1996, my dream came true. I was able to go to Medjugorje with the help of some good friends who were also going. Most of the people that attended daily Mass went, and that made it even more special. The war was ending, and we were able to bring supplies to an orphanage and a refugee camp. We saw the sun spin, the moon dance, and the cross light up at night, but the most wonderful thing of all was the peace that enveloped us. There is nothing else like it on earth.

The following year, I went back to Ireland. When we arrived in Maynooth, I was asked to give my first witness talk to a prayer group that was meeting that evening. All the readings that night were on fear, and it was pretty comical because I was scared to death. When I got up to speak, the Holy Spirit took over and the fear left. My son had come on the trip with me, and when I took my seat next to him, he said, “Oh Mom, I am so proud of you.” After telling about my past, I wondered if the Irish people would think poorly of me but my fears were relieved when, one by one, they came up and hugged me.

After my return the long awaited letter from my brother finally arrived. I choked back the tears, as I read these words: “Praise be Jesus and Mary. The cloud is lifted. Your children now are in Heaven. Pray to them, as they are your greatest advocates.”
Editor’s note:If you would like a recording of Barbara’s talk and song, you can contact her at her address, Barbara Kleaveland 822 Moulton Ave. N. Muskegon, MI 49445 or email her at receivemymercy@gmail.com ( Price is $15.00 and $5.00 Shipping in the United States. Orders outside of the US will have to email her for postage cost.)

Barbara is scheduled to speak at the Totally Yours Conference at the DuPage Marian Center, St. Charles, IL, October 17-18. Visionary Ivanka will be speaking also. For more information on the conference visit www.totallyyours.org.




“Oh, if sinners knew My mercy, they would not perish in such great numbers. Tell sinful souls not to be afraid to approach Me. Speak to them of My great mercy.” ~ Jesus to St. Faustina (feast day October 5)