(Hope)
From Darkness Into Light
I remember my whole life I was always in the darkness. I had lost my father at an early age, 5 years old. I am the youngest of 6 children and throughout my life I never was really able to count on any of them. I married young, right out of high school and moved away from my mother who I loved dearly. I got pregnant at 18 and had my first child by the time I turned 19, actually 3 months after I turned 19. My husband was abusive and we had a violent marriage. It finally ended and I moved down to VA to be with my mother. The mess was about to begin. My self esteem was so low, I had sex with anyone and everyone. My life was a blurr, literally, I led such a life of sin, you name it, I did it.
In 1979 I got pregnant and wound up having an abortion. A friend drove me to the local Planned Parenthood. I remember that so well. I walked into this place and you could hear a pin drop it was so quiet. No one spoke. As I walked up to the front desk, the nurse there handed me some papers to fill out. The only questions she asked me was my name and "do you have a ride home?". She told me to fill out the papers and then wait till my name was called. As I sat waiting, I noticed that no one looked up to smile, there was some crying, but very quietly. I remember the place being so dark. I thought to myself, this sucks! My mind had been wandering somewhere, when I heard my name called. My heart started to race, my hands were sweaty. The nurse that was bringing me to the back to change told me that it was a "piece of cake". This procedure won't take all that long, you won't feel a thing. They will put you in a "twilight sleep", where you won't feel a thing. Don't worry, everything will be fine, the doctor has done a lot of these procedures. The funny thing is that they couldn't even call this an "abortion", to them it was a "procedure". The next thing I remember was being on this cold steel table, in a cold room, I couldn't get warm enough. The doctor came in and said "don't worry, I done a lot of these procedures, it will be over in no time and then you can back to your normal self". I heard that machine, loud I thought, and it was painful, I heard that machine, sucking out the life that was growing inside me. I thought, well they said it wasn't but a "blob", it really wasn't a baby, it couldn't survive. Your'e much better off they told me.
In the recovery room I remember the nurse coming over and asking me if I was in pain. Pain, she asked, I was in pain, I was rolled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, and I was bleeding like a stuffed pig. She says to me, "don't worry honey, that will subside in a week or two, then you can get back to your life, like nothing happened".
I continued on with my life all right, I was getting out of control. I slept around so much, worked in bars, my husband now had my daughter and was living in Ohio. Great! I had to do something, I had to clean up myself. I tried to get back with my husband, but in the back of my mind I knew that wasn't going to happen, he got a 1 bedroom apartment. Where was our daughter going to sleep? I moved in with him and everything seemed to be going ok until he got angry again. We were supposed to have guests over for dinner and he got angry and pulled me around by a necklace I had on which caused a rather obvious sign of his violence. I had to wear a turtleneck to cover the mark. It wasn't long after that that I got a job. I was working and one day in the rain I come home and the locks had been changed and my suitcase was outside. I didn't know anyone there, the lease was in my husband's name, what am I going to do? I called my boss. He came over, picked me up and took me to his house for the night. He contacted a lawyer friend of his and things happened so fast, my head was spinning.
I basically had to show the courts that I was able to care for my daughter, had a decent place for her to live, someone to watch her while I worked, etc. That all came into place. In the meantime, I started doing drugs. I was worried that things weren't going to happen. I took speed. That seemed to help me get going, to get things done. I finally got custody of my daughter. I thought I would never let anything separate us again.
I wound up living with this guy, and got pregnant again, this was in 1981. He said I had to have an abortion, so he drove me to the local Planned Parenthood and waited for me outside. I couldn't beleive I was going through the same thing, all over again. I thought "this isn't happening". Again, the same thing, as I entered the Planned Parenthood, all was quiet, you could hear a pin drop it was so quiet. Some talking was going on but it was more whispering than talking. No one smiled, everyone stayed to themselves. I was horrible! This time I felt the pain of my abortion even stronger than the first time. That sound of that machine, sucking out my baby. Still I let this happen, what is wrong with me? I had to get out of this situation, this person was controlling my life, making decisions for me. I had no say in whether to have a baby or not. Besides, I remember what I was told before, "oh it's just a blob of tissue". Was that true I wondered? Why was the pain so intense? Why did it take a little longer? I didn't have any answers to any of these questions. I kept these questions to myself, and then I tucked this shame, guilt, anger, frustration deep down in side, down in that dark place within you where no one knows. You know that place I mean!
I got away from this guy and my daughter went down to VA, again. This time things were worse than before. My life was nothing but sex, drugs, booze. I didn't care about myself. I made sure though that my daughter didn't see any of these things, not this side of me. I worked as a waitress and cocktail waitress trying to make ends meet. Then I met another guy. He was so nice, good looking and I thought wow, he wants me. My self esteem was practically nill, nada, nothing. I figured, ok why not. Well, he moved in with me and things were going great. My daughter left one summer to be with her dad in Tennessee. That was in 1983, I got pregnant for the 3rd time. I thought that this guy wanted a family, I mean he really loved my daughter, my daughter really loved him so I figured wow this would be great. Great was not what it was. He didn't want a baby, no way, shape or form. I had to get an abortion. That was final! He wouldn't discuss anything any further. That was the end of that! The next day we called Planned Parenthood for the appointment.
He dropped me off to Planned Parenthood and said he would be back. I went inside. "My stomach was tied up in knots" I wanted to vomit. I didn't want to go through this another time, I was starting to show. My heart started to race as I went to the desk. The woman told me to fill out some papers, asked me the same 2 questions, "what is your name, and do you have a ride home?" I sat back down dreading this time what I was going to have to endure. Man I thought this really sucks! I had no one to talk to, no one to tell me that this was the right thing, no one to tell me I had options. I didn't have options, I didn't have a voice. I was so numb at this point that all I could think of was to get this over with. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I just want to die! As I was thinking these thoughts, my name was called and I was led to the back. I remember this time though, hearing sobbing, and crying. I was wondering what was that all about, what's going on. I was scared, I felt paralyzed. I felt like I wasn't even there while this was happening again. I really am a monster.
I dressed into my gown and was led to the "procedure room". They still called it a "procedure" when in fact it was an abortion. They said they were going make me feel relaxed, and that I wouldn't feel anything. I've heard that story before I thought. Whatever they did, it wasn't enough. This time everything that happened, I felt. I felt the doctor go inside me and probe me like I was a piece of meat. I heard that machine, the sucking machine, it was like a vacuum cleaner and when he put that tube up inside me, I thought that that was pain, but that was just the beginning. This time I felt the so called "blob" being ripped apart. The doctor kept that sucking machine on for such a long time. I saw stars! That is how painful it was. It was then that I really realized that he was taking a lot longer than he normally should have been. Apparently I was further along than they expected. I just kept remembering how intense the pain was, how I wanted to scream at the doctor to tell him to stop, I can't take this anymore. Stop. He didn't stop until all of my baby was gone. I was sobbing on the table this time I was so upset. I was distraught, I was disgusted! I went to recovery and remember that I couldn't stop crying. It was finally time for me to go home and as I went outside, I felt nothing! I was crying all the way home. I got home and went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt empty inside, I had nothing left I thought. I was so filled with guilt I didn't know what to do. Well, this guy and I finally broke up, how surprised was I when that happened.
From 1983 until 2004 I existed. I was empty inside. I couldn't understand why I would cry whenever I would see baby commercials, or why I would envy mothers walking their babies. I loved kids, I grew up around kids with my siblings. What kind of woman was I. No good, I thought. I was so ashamed of what I had done, I didn't want anyone to know my secrets. I kept them hidden for 29 years. I went through horrible times. I was depressed, I just didn't know what to do with myself. I went down that path again, the sex, the not caring about who I was, what I was, had no self esteem, I was just this empty, nothing. It was like being in a cave, dark, alone, afraid.
It wasn't until I married a wonderful man in 1999 and became a Catholic did my life change. Not all at once, it was gradual. God had major plans for me, but I didn't know at the time. I was in church one February evening in 2004 when this Irish woman asked me a question. I told her I didn't know, but with her gentleness, she would show me. We became very dear friends and God had given me an angel that day. She led me by the hand to different things in the Catholic church. She taught me many things and introduced me to a wonderful priest by the name of Father John McFadden.
On October 15, 2004 I attended a Catholic Unity Conference which was entitled "By His Stripes you will be healed". The conference was about "abortion". How wonderful God is and how blessed I feel. I attended that conference and had a life confession with Fr. McFadden. I was introduced to Adoration and was told to spend an hour with Jesus so I could find out the sex of my children. I found out that I had a son, whose name is Matthew, another son whose name is Thomas and another daughter, Katherine. Jesus told me that he named them after great saints. During that weekend I lectored for the very first time. I was also instructed by Fr. McFadden that I needed to attend a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat.
On March 11, 2005 I attended a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. I cannot tell you how wonderful this retreat was. It changed my life. It was a difficult journey to go through, but I didn't do it alone. Everything I had gone through in my life, I was forgiven. Me, this humongus sinner, who chose to cut the lives of 3 children, who did anything and everything under the sun, was given the grace of healing, a truly blessed miracle. I was no longer in this dark, deep cave, I was no longer full of shame, guilt. I was no longer the woman I was. God through the ministry of Rachel's Vineyard has blessed me and shown me that I am His child, I am a child of God, a child of Light. Jesus says, I am the way, the truth and the Life. Whoever eats of my flesh will hunger no more, whoever drinks of my blood will thirst no more. Come to me all you who are heavy laden I will give you rest.
The joy that I feel now being a child of God is wonderful. Rachel's Vineyard has been such an amazing healing for me. I will no longer let the darkness take over me as it did. God has forgiven me of my sins, He has laid down His life for me. I know that if I were the last person on this earth, Jesus still would have died for me. Rachel's Vineyard has given me the beginning of a new life in Christ. I made a promise to Jesus and told Him that my children will have a voice, they will be silent no more. Praise and Glory to you Lord Jesus for telling me "Neither do I condemn you".
May the peace of the Lord Jesus be with all of you. God Bless.
--- Grateful Victoria
Source: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/emotions/stories.aspx
